Grieving Someone Who is Still Alive: Estrangement, Change, and Closure
Grieving Someone Who’s Still Alive: Estrangement, Change, and Closure
Many times when we think of grief, we often picture the death of a loved one. We associate mourning with funerals, obituaries, and the finality of loss. But grief isn’t always tethered to death. Sometimes, we grieve people who are very much alive—estranged family members, friends who’ve drifted away, partners we’ve lost through breakup or divorce, or loved ones whose personalities have drastically changed due to illness, addiction, or trauma. This kind of grief is real, complex, and often invisible to those around us.
What Is Ambiguous Loss?
Ambiguous loss, refers to mourning someone who is physically present but psychologically or emotionally absent—or vice versa. When a person disappears emotionally, spiritually, or relationally, we experience a kind of grief that doesn’t follow a predictable arc. There is no funeral, no societal rituals, and often, no community support.
This grief can emerge in a variety of scenarios:
Estrangement from a family member due differences in values and beliefs including sexuality, politics, life goals, and others
Watching a loved one change due to dementia, brain injury, or mental illness
A best friend fading away without explanation
Divorce or the end of a long-term relationship
Addiction, incarceration, or radical ideological shifts that create emotional distance
Living grief often brings a deep sense of confusion. How do you grieve someone who’s technically still here? How do you move on without the finality that death brings?
The Pain of Estrangement
Estrangement may be one of the most emotionally difficult forms of grief. In some cases, a person makes the choice to cut off contact for their own safety or well-being. In others, they may be on the receiving end of silence or rejection. Regardless of the reason, estrangement creates a fracture in our relational foundations.
What makes estrangement especially painful is the unpredictability. The door may feel forever shut—or frustratingly ajar. You might wonder if things will ever go back to the way they were. Birthdays, holidays, and life milestones can re-open the wound, leaving you longing for what could have been.
Guilt, anger, longing, and shame often swirl together. Some people struggle with whether they are "allowed" to grieve someone they chose to let go of. Others question their worth, wondering why they weren’t enough to keep the connection alive.
Change: When They’re No Longer the Same
Another layer of ambiguous grief emerges when someone we love changes in a profound way. A parent with Alzheimer's may no longer recognize their children. A spouse with severe depression may become emotionally unavailable. A once-close friend may transform into a stranger after joining a cult or undergoing a major ideological/political shift.
These changes create a sense of dissonance: the person is physically present, but the relationship feels hollow or unrecognizable. You may find yourself mourning the person they used to be while navigating who they’ve become. There’s a particular ache in saying, “I miss you,” to someone who’s sitting right in front of you.
This kind of grief is complicated by hope. We may cling to the idea that the old version of the person will return. That things will get better. That we’ll reconnect again someday. And sometimes, they do. But holding onto that hope can delay the grieving process, leaving us stuck in a liminal emotional space.
Why Closure Is So Elusive
Traditional grief often has a clear arc: death, mourning, remembrance, and eventually, healing. Living grief doesn’t offer that neat trajectory. There is no obituary, no community mourning, and often no collective understanding.
When someone dies, others rally around you. They bring meals. They send sympathy cards. They give you permission to grieve. But when your adult child cuts you off or your partner becomes someone you no longer recognize, the grief is often private and unacknowledged.
The lack of closure can feel maddening. You may replay conversations, reread texts, or spiral into “what if” scenarios. Unlike death, living grief invites endless rumination. There’s always the possibility of reconciliation, which keeps the wound open.
Closure in living grief rarely comes from the other person. More often, it’s something we must create for ourselves—a painful but necessary process of accepting the loss, even in the absence of finality.
Ways to Navigate Living Grief
If you’re grieving someone who’s still alive, your feelings are valid. You’re not overreacting or being overly sensitive. Grief is grief—even when it's messy, unresolved, and unseen. Here are some ways to support yourself through it:
1. Name the Grief
Simply naming your experience as grief can be powerful. You are allowed to grieve someone who is still alive. Giving language to your pain helps legitimize your feelings.
2. Find Support
Because ambiguous grief is so often invisible, it helps to find people who understand. That might be a therapist, a support group, or even books and podcasts that explore ambiguous loss. You are not alone in this.
3. Set Boundaries with Hope
It’s okay to hold hope that things may change. But it’s also okay to live your life as though they won’t. Hope without boundaries can lead to chronic emotional limbo. Practicing acceptance doesn’t mean giving up—it means honoring your reality.
4. Create Your Own Rituals
Traditional rituals may not apply, but you can create your own forms of acknowledgment. Write a letter you never send. Light a candle. Make a playlist that honors the relationship. Rituals help mark the loss and create a sense of movement.
5. Let Yourself Feel It All
I know many people don’t like to hear this one, but experiencing grief can bring a chaotic mix of emotions: sadness, rage, confusion, nostalgia, numbness. All of these are normal. Give yourself permission to feel without judgment.
6. Rebuild Meaning
Grief can reshape our identities and beliefs. With time, you may find new sources of connection, self-understanding, and peace. The goal isn’t to "get over it" but to integrate the loss into your life in a way that allows growth.
Next Steps
Grieving someone who’s still alive is one of the most painful, disorienting forms of loss. It’s often lonely and hard to explain. But your grief is real. It deserves time, space, and compassion. You’re allowed to mourn what was, even as you work toward accepting what is.
In time, the sharp ache of absence may soften. You may find closure not in reunion or resolution, but in your own inner healing. And though the relationship may never return to what it was, you can carry the love—and the lessons—with you as you move forward.
If this resonates with you or you're navigating a complicated grief of your own, know that you're not alone. You deserve support in your grief, no matter how invisible it may seem. Reach out and let’s talk about options to help with your grief process.